“Forgiveness is not about letting someone off the hook for their actions, but freeing ourselves from the burden of bitterness,” says renowned therapist Dr. Harriet Lerner.
This idea, while comforting for many, doesn’t resonate with everyone. In fact, there’s a growing conversation around the notion that forgiveness isn’t always necessary for healing. It’s an unpopular opinion, but in some cases, holding onto your feelings can actually be healthier.
Here are eight reasons why sometimes, not forgiving might be the best thing you can do for yourself.
Table of Contents
1. Forgiveness Isn’t a Necessity
We’ve all heard the saying, “Forgive and forget.” But here’s the truth: you don’t have to forgive to move forward. While forgiveness can bring peace to some, it’s not a one-size-fits-all solution. Dr. Lerner, in her book Why Won’t You Apologize?, suggests that forgiveness should be a choice, not an obligation. Healing is deeply personal, and sometimes, forgiving someone may feel like an injustice to yourself, especially if the hurt is still fresh or the wrongdoer hasn’t changed their behavior.
2. Forgiveness Should Not Be Forced
Do you feel like you have to forgive someone just because it’s what society expects? You’re not alone. Forced forgiveness can often feel like betraying your own emotions. Remember, if it doesn’t feel right, you don’t have to do it. Forgiveness is a deeply personal process, and it should happen on your terms, not because others tell you it’s the “right” thing to do. As Dr. Janis Spring, a clinical psychologist, notes, “Forcing forgiveness can actually lead to more harm than good, making the wounded person feel even more violated.”
3. Holding on to Hurt Can Be Protective
Contrary to popular belief, holding onto hurt isn’t always negative. In some cases, it can serve as a protective mechanism. It’s your mind’s way of setting boundaries and keeping you safe from further harm. For example, if someone repeatedly hurts you, holding onto that hurt might be what stops you from trusting them again and getting hurt even more. This isn’t about dwelling on pain but rather recognizing when the hurt is a signal to protect yourself.
4. Maintain Personal Boundaries
Healthy relationships are built on respect and boundaries. When someone crosses those boundaries, it’s crucial to re-establish them. Not forgiving someone can sometimes be a way of maintaining those boundaries. It’s a way of saying, “What you did was not okay, and I’m not just going to let it slide.” This isn’t about holding a grudge; it’s about self-respect. Maintaining boundaries can be more important than forgiving, especially when those boundaries are key to your well-being.
5. Let’s Talk Facts: Even Therapists Support Non-Forgiveness
It might surprise you, but even therapists agree that there are situations where not forgiving is the healthier choice. Dr. Laura Schlessinger, a well-known therapist and author, has spoken about how some people simply don’t deserve forgiveness, and that’s okay. According to her, forgiveness isn’t a moral obligation but a personal decision that should be made with care. In situations involving abuse or deep betrayal, non-forgiveness can be a form of self-preservation.
6. Be Self-Compassionate
Forgiving someone who has deeply hurt you can sometimes feel like betraying yourself. It’s essential to be compassionate with yourself and understand that you don’t owe anyone forgiveness. Being kind to yourself includes acknowledging your pain and allowing yourself the space to heal at your own pace. Self-compassion is about recognizing that your feelings are valid, and sometimes, not forgiving is a part of that healing process.
7. Healing Without Forgiveness Is a Possibility
One of the biggest myths about forgiveness is that you can’t heal without it. But healing and forgiveness are two separate paths. You can find peace and move on from a situation without forgiving the person who hurt you. In fact, focusing on your own healing rather than forgiveness can sometimes lead to a more profound sense of closure. Therapy, self-care, and time can all help you heal without needing to offer forgiveness to someone who may not deserve it.
8. Trust Your Gut
Finally, the most important reason not to forgive is simply trusting your gut. If your instincts tell you that forgiving someone isn’t right for you, listen to them. Your feelings are valid, and you know yourself better than anyone else. Trusting your gut can protect you from future harm and help you make decisions that are truly in your best interest.
Heal on Your Own Terms
At the end of the day, forgiveness is a personal choice, not a requirement. It’s not a magic cure-all for everyone. Healing without forgiveness is entirely possible, and in some cases, it might even be healthier. Remember, your journey is your own, and how you choose to heal is up to you. You don’t owe forgiveness to anyone, and sometimes, not forgiving can be the most compassionate thing you do for yourself.
Life is complicated, and so is healing. Whether you choose to forgive or not, what’s most important is that you take care of yourself, respect your boundaries, and trust your instincts. Healing is a journey, and only you can decide the best path to take.
