7 Reasons People-Pleasing is Your Perfection Trap!

We’ve all been there!

That moment when you agree to do something, and suddenly, a minor task turns into an emotional drama. Imagine: you’ve accepted a new project at work, and now you’re stressing about every detail, worried that someone, somewhere might be disappointed. Sounds familiar? Welcome to the world of people-pleasing, where your quest to make everyone happy ends up making you miserable.

The Burden of Trying to Please Everyone

Sometimes you feel like you’re on a tightrope, juggling everyone’s expectations while trying not to fall off? People-pleasing is like that. It’s an endless loop of seeking approval and managing others’ emotions.

Sarah Gailey once humorously summed it up on social media, “I found the cure for my anxiety! Just need everyone to tell me they’re not mad at me every 15 seconds.” If only it were that simple, right?

It’s like that time you worried about your friend’s reaction to a birthday gift. Did they like it? Did you spend enough? Should you have gone with something else? This constant need for reassurance can turn even the simplest acts into high-stakes drama.

The Misconception of Control

I’ll drop a truth bomb: you can’t control other people’s emotions. Shocking, I know. But think about it. How often do you stress over whether someone’s upset or disappointed? The reality is, people have their own lives and their own issues.

It’s weird of us to think how when we don’t respond to someone’s email, it’s because we’re busy, but when others don’t respond to ours, it’s because they hate us.

Classic case of overthinking.

Trying to control others’ feelings is like trying to count your hair – nearly impossible and entirely frustrating. The focus should be on managing your own responses and choices, not micromanaging everyone else’s emotional state.

The Fallacy of Seeking Approval

Seeking constant approval from others is not only exhausting, but it’s also pretty pointless. We all have a deep-seated need for validation, often rooted in our childhoods. Maybe you’re still trying to impress your parents or live up to that one teacher’s expectations. But let’s face it, chasing approval is a never-ending race.

As Oliver Burkeman points out, “The idea that a sane and happy life can’t start until everyone is pleased with you is a bit delusional.”

Trying to gain approval from everyone is a fool’s errand. Instead of worrying about what others think, focus on what’s meaningful to you.

The Freedom to Choose

Freedom sounds great, right? But it comes with its own set of challenges.

Every choice you make has consequences, and that’s just part of life. Choosing to attend a week-long conference means you’re missing out on a family vacation. Avoiding a tough conversation might seem easier now but could lead to bigger issues later. It’s all about deciding which consequences you’re willing to accept.

As Sheldon Kopp wisely said, “You are free to do whatever you like. You need only face the consequences.” Embracing this mindset helps you understand that freedom doesn’t mean avoiding negative outcomes; it means choosing which ones you’re willing to deal with.

The Ineffectiveness of People-Pleasing

Let’s debunk a myth: people-pleasing doesn’t actually make you more likable or effective. In fact, it often backfires. People can sense when you’re being disingenuous. Instead of being seen as a helpful person, you might come off as someone who’s more concerned with their own comfort than actually helping others.

So, next time you’re tempted to bend over backward to make someone happy, remember that it’s often more about your own discomfort than their needs.

Living in the Present

life is happening now.

It’s not a dress rehearsal where you get a do-over once you’ve ticked all the boxes. You’re not going to magically arrive at a perfect life by constantly seeking approval or avoiding discomfort.

The Swiss psychotherapist Marie-Louise von Franz described it as living a “provisional life” – always waiting for the perfect conditions to start truly living. But what if the perfect conditions never come? You have to start living now, imperfections and all.

The Truth About Life’s Limitations

Life is full of limitations – we can’t please everyone, we can’t do everything perfectly, and we certainly can’t avoid every consequence. But the truth is that – its okay. Accepting life’s limitations allows you to focus on what truly matters and make the most of your finite time.

Oliver Burkeman’s insight is clear: “It’s not ‘really difficult’ to please everyone; it’s completely impossible.” Once you accept that, you can start focusing on what brings you joy and fulfillment instead of chasing an unattainable ideal.

Embracing Imperfection

So, what’s the takeaway from all this? Embrace imperfection and stop worrying about pleasing everyone. Life is too short to be stuck in the cycle of people-pleasing. Instead, focus on making choices that align with your values and bring you satisfaction.

You’re already on this metaphorical desert island of life. The sooner you stop trying to please everyone or achieve perfection, the sooner you can start making the most of your time.

So, what do you want to do with your life now that you’ve freed yourself from the impossible quest for perfection?